Moving to a new blog

I am moving to a new blog site. If I knew how to connect the two blogs and redirect you when you clicked on this one, I'd do it, but I just don't have the patience. LOL

So for all of you wanting to keep up with us and our journey to "our new normal" just click on the new link below:

http://journeyafterjosey.blogspot.com/

See you soon!
Kerry

Numbers

It was a big day for numbers yesterday. I had two family members running for reelection in our local primary and I had a doctor's appointment. Both ended pretty well. We won reelection and the doc gave me some promising stats.

I was told yesterday that he (the doc) feels I have a 30-40% chance of the preeclampsia reoccurring, but only about a 10% chance of it happening so early. This of course is in stark contrast to what I was told when I left the hospital. I've decided these doctors really have absolutely no clue as to whether or not it could happen again; only that since I've had it once, then I am at a higher risk than someone who hasn't had it.

Of course, these numbers could be different once I hear from my lab results. Should my homocysteine levels come back high, then that changes those numbers, but he didn't say to what. However, he didn't feel they would come back high. So, we'll see. I go back in three weeks for a BP check. He's weaning me completely off the bp meds. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I won't need them anymore. Hopefully that will be my last appointment for awhile.

missing my girl

I'm missing my baby girl today. Missing the future we had planned for her, for us. We were so happy and so excited. She changed everything. And then...poof, she was gone. I'm having an it's so not fair day today. Dad always told me life's not fair, but this is just ridiculous. I've had two really good days; I guess I'm due for a bad one. Plus, I have a doctor's appointment this week and they have to do blood work. Not to mention my least favorite friend, PMS, has returned. I'll probably have a nice cry the first day of my period. lol

Oh well. I am thankful for two fun days. Shan and I enjoyed ourselves Friday night and we had a lot of fun yesterday. We cleaned the boat and got it put in the water. It's ready for the summer. We even managed to get a little sun. We also watched my brother-in-law and all the juniors and seniors get announced and walk in to the prom.  All in all, it was a good day. Now if I could just figure out how to have those kinds of days everyday, we'd be getting somewhere.

TGIF

It's Friday and it's date night. I'm so excited! lol We are finally going to the Melting Pot tonight for our overdue anniversary dinner. Tomorrow we're picking up our boat. It's cleaning time, then off to put it back in the water. It's also prom. My brother-in-law is a senior, so we have to get the boat clean and in the water before tomorrow evening. Hopefully, Sunday's weather will hold out so we can spend a little time at the lake.

Hope everyone has a great weekend. :)

A New Day

A new week. A new day. Thank God. Looking ahead over the rest of this year is so overwhelming. There are so many "firsts" we have to get through. Luckily, I just got through one of them. I have two more this month. One next month. One in July. The fall months have very special and exciting milestones, but difficult all the same. And then of course, the holidays. So much for just saying, "I wish I could fast forward to next month" because each "next month" holds something we've got to get through and deal with.

For the record, I'm doing a bit better than this blog probably makes it seem. When I'm hit with one of those moments of weakness, I tend to want to write it out. When everything is going ok, I don't really feel the need to write; thus, more sad posts than positive. Yesterday was miserable to say the least. However, I really want to thank those few folks that took the time to remember me, to send me a little note just saying we're thinking of you. I needed that yesterday and I am so grateful to each of you for not being scared to acknowledge me. It meant a lot.

Luckily, my new Sookie Stackhouse book arrived Saturday morning. So I had plenty of escapism for Sunday, and Shan even sprung for Chinese food. LOL

One Month Later

Today is such a beautiful day to be such a tough week - Mother's Day and all. I think I'm doing okay. I still find time to cry at some point, usually in the mornings and evenings. Although lately, just in the evenings. It's been a few days since a breakdown, so I consider that good. The hardest part for me right now is trying to deal with everyday life again. Basically, getting back out in the public, talking to people and going places and being able to readjust to how my life has changed and accepting that others may not see that.

It's hard when people, whether it be acquaintances, friends, family, etc., would rather just ignore you than have to look you in the eye and even speak. And it's even worse when those people are close to you. I'm still me, maybe a little rattled, but it's still me. Maybe just being around me depresses them; I don't know. I do my best to stay very positive and upbeat around everyone. I may have my moments at home by myself, or with Shannon or Mom, but overall I try not to be "oh whoas me" around anyone.

I guess the point of this entry is a new acceptance for me - my new normal. lol I need to accept these things as a new part of my life and try not to dwell too much on them. Although it's only been a month and I'm still heartbroken, I do see the light ahead. Sometimes it shines brighter than others, but at least it's there.

I've read on other blogs that this happens in these types of situations. I won't lie and say it hasn't hurt my feelings. And I won't lie and say it hasn't hurt that some people I thought were friends never even bothered to check on me during all of this, but then others have come into my life and really made a difference. I guess it's always checks and balances and a big fat that's just life.

Anyway, here's to a beautiful day here in Kentucky. May the sun keeping shining on this old Kentucky home....(boy that was cheesy LOL)

Rainy Sunday

What a nasty day. Roads are flooded all over town. Our rental house is flooded. Shannon is over there trying to pump out the water. Our house is fine, thankfully, but it looks like a river is running through our backyard. The day has fit my mood perfectly. I had a rough morning. Sometimes it's not the past I'm grieving, but the future. Just not knowing at this point whether or not it's safe for us to try again and feeling in my gut that that's exactly the case. It's awful.

To get my mind out of the gutter, I got up and rearranged the furniture in two of our bedrooms. I eventually had to stop because I couldn't move the treadmill by myself, despite trying to do so. I would love to do laundry, but the washer is broken - still - but hopefully it will be fixed sometime this week. I may just go bake a big batch of brownies. That usually cures any bad mood. :)

Test Results

I got a message last night from my doctor that my test results were in and I needed to call him in the morning. Bottom line - most everything came back normal with exception to one test, a gene mutation called MTHFR.

Basically, in very simple terms, this gene tells the body to process amino acids, specifically folic acid. If there is a mutation, then either the gene isn't doing its job or it's not doing it very well, which leads to high levels of a certain type of amino acid. When this occurs, it could lead to a blood clotting disorder and give you a higher risk for cardiovascular disease, heart disease, stroke, etc.

This gene has two parts. We'll call them A & B. Both A and B also have two parts.

A - one and two
B - one and two

For me, A1 is normal and A2 is abnormal. B1 is normal and B2 is abnormal. This could mean my levels may be normal or they may be high, depending on how well the normal ones are working. If they are high (which isn't good), then there may or may not be things I can do in another pregnancy.

This mutation was only recently discovered and there is not enough research out there yet for a consensus on what to do. After reading about it in terms of pregnancy, there really is no good news in my opinion. There are things some doctors would have me do, but other doctors may not see fit in doing anything. Dr. Y even said the same thing. He said perinatologists are split on the issue.

I go back in three weeks for blood work. We'll see how everything looks overall. There will definitely be another appointment at some point with the perinatologists for their take on my results and the current research.

I'm pretty sure I'm more confused now than ever. There's so much to take in and digest. Either way, I probably should start taking vitamins again, don't you think?

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

What a day. I had a doctor's appointment this morning and then Mom, my aunt and I were going out to lunch and shopping. I walked into the office only to be surrounded by a room full of pregnant women holding their ultrasound pictures and kids everywhere. I was ok for about ten minutes, but after 45 I was in mini-breakdown mode. Then a new nurse took me back and started asking me all these questions as if this was a prenatal appointment. I had to tell her it wasn't. By the time the doctor saw me, I was a mess.

Then, I found out they couldn't get any kind of results from the chromosome tests. The cells wouldn't grow. My tests for something to do with my phospholipids came back normal, which is both good and bad. I have no idea what that is, but apparently if you have it or markers for it, then it is thought to possibly be a factor in the preeclampsia. So, now we know that isn't a factor. He also took me off one of my bp meds, but I have to check it the next few days and then call him with the numbers. It was a little high today, but considering my wait in their waiting room, it was almost expected. He hopes to have a few more results by the time I call on Friday. So, we'll see.

Then, we go to the Olive Garden and a lovely pregnant woman sits down right beside us. The mall is next and again the same. The worst happened while I was standing in line to check out at JC Penney. A girl was standing there checking out, buying all kinds of cute little girl baby clothes, talking about all those happy things I should be talking about and to beat it all, she is due the same time I was supposed to be due. I had to turn around and just breathe. It took everything in me to stay strong. Once I got in the car, I ate three no bake cookies and cried all the way home.

The good news, however, is he did release me, at least for the next 3 weeks. Then, I'll have more blood work. Geesh. Just when I think I'm doing fairly good, I fall right through the ice. But, I guess that's to be expected.

Lost Song

I have lost my voice. It's gone. One of my biggest stress relievers has always been sitting down with my guitar or at the piano and singing. I picked up my guitar for the first time in awhile a couple days ago and could barely get words out of my mouth. Shannon said, "Oh it's just allergies." It's not allergies. My voice hasn't been the same since I was in the hospital. I mentioned it to Mom a week or so ago. It's all raspy, but not in a good way. Mom said she noticed it too, but didn't really think too much about it. Shannon said he didn't really notice it, but then he hears me every day. It's frustrating. I was by no means a grammy award winner, but when you can't even carry a tune anymore...geesh. What else? Guess it's time for a new stress reliever, but I have no idea what that might be. Music has always been my thing. So, now what? **Big Sigh**

I've been sitting here watching American Idol tonight. It's Shania Twain week. Her music has always been one of my favorites to sing, and in fact I tried to sing one of her songs a few days ago. I guess that's what has me even thinking about it tonight. Oh well. Maybe I'll trade my voice for the piano. It's been a long time since I've played for any significant amount of time and Lord knows I could use the practice.

This and That

I managed to make it through three days of working half days and another weekend. I still don't like weekends. The reason being I've decided, is there is no routine. It's wide open, which leaves my mind free to wander. Overall though, the weekend wasn't too bad.

I look forward to actually having something to look forward to - summer, boats, campfires, smores. Oh and maybe a tan. I went to get a pedicure the other day and the guy that was doing it said, "Why you so white? I've never seen you so white." Gee, thanks. He's right, though. I'm so white I glimmer in the sun like the vampires in the Twilight movies. Which reminds me, I do have something to look forward to - May 2nd. The new Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) book comes out and mine is already pre-ordered. I actually bought the audio cd. Don't hate. I can devour a good book in two hours. I wanted to enjoy this one a little longer. Plus, since I'll be doing a lot of walking this summer to try to get my energy and some muscle tone back, what better way to exercise then to listen to my second favorite book series? My first being Harry Potter, of course.

Today is my first full day back to work. I have plenty to do and that makes me happy. Keep me busy. That's a must. We also have interviews this week and next for our new supervisor, not to mention commencement. This is a very busy time for the office. Thank goodness. I also have another doctor's appointment on Wednesday. We're keeping our fingers and toes crossed for more good news and maybe even a little less blood pressure medicine.

Bouncing Back

I've been reading a book called The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks, and Losses. It's sat in my spare bedroom since I got home from the hospital. I wasn't really up to any kind of reading, let alone a Debby Downer on how to cope with loss. But last night I was going through my things from the hospital (finally) and ran across the book. I picked it up, sat down on the edge of the bed, and turned to the first page. Before I knew it, my feet were propped up and I had already read half of it.

It's not preachy. It's not a just get over it. It really is a how to heal and recover and deal with whatever bad thing(s) has(have) happened. It's funny. It's enlightening. It's truthful. And it gives me exercises based on what actual counselors or psychologists would have you do to help move forward. It's already helped me put some things in perspective. The most important being we can't change the past, only the future. That means it's up to us to determine how this will define our lives...for the better or for the worse. Are we weak or are we strong? We have to choose and getting to that point is a process that's not easy.

I told my husband he has to read it as well and when he's finished I wanted to sit down and talk through it. Shannon's so picky about what he reads, but I think this is just the ticket for him too. So, today, although I'm sure there will still be a few tears at some point, I'm feeling a little better. I'm feeling a little more in control. Tomorrow I may not be able to get out of bed, but for today I'll take it.

Thanks to my Indy girls and Rebekah in NashVegas for sending me this book. At least for now, it's just what I need.

Officially our 'new normal'

It feels good to be back to work. It takes my mind away from the past several weeks for a few hours. It has also worn me out, so I was actually able to sleep last night. I've been getting a taste of this new normal we have now. I might have mentioned this in another entry, but a few days ago I knocked a baby angel someone sent us off the table and it broke. I had to catch myself on the table to keep from going to my knees. I was devastated. Yesterday, I glued her back together. I couldn't help but feel that was how I feel - the pieces may fit together again, but I'll always be broken, cracked. I don't quite "fit together" the way I used to even though I may appear the same on the outside. This was very evident in both of us last night.

Bad days, good days, just getting through days and then trying to sync up with each other and have a normal existence right now is really hard. It's hard on each of us as individuals and hard on us as a couple. The stress drives me crazy. We pushed ourselves last night for some normalcy. It wasn't easy, but we managed to get out and go to dinner and have a somewhat mundane, but enjoyable conversation. It took a few tears and some frustration, but we did get out of the house.

We both dread the inevitable onslaught of "how are you doing?" and "I'm so sorry" or "just try again." There are a few places we know we have to avoid at the moment, but then there are places I think we can go to ease our way back into small town living. Right now, living in a big city seems quite desirable. We could just fade into the crowd and not worry about it, but not here. It's like Cheers, everybody knows your name. Of course, this blog doesn't help. Now everyone knows our business. LOL I can't help it though; it helps me say what I need to say without actually saying it out loud.

Anyway, here's to our new normal and the hope there's still some good to come.

Video

It seems everything I write is so sad. I'm sure some of you are tired of reading it. One word to describe this blog - depressing. I write for therapy. I write to try to get out some of the frustration, hurt and anger I feel. I can honestly say I'm broken. BUT I will not let this rule my life. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but somehow I will.

My cousin Leslie sent me a video the other day. I've watched it over and over. It's been such an encouragement to me. One of the singers from Hillsong went through a similar situation a couple of years ago. She talked about how not long after losing her baby boy at 23/5, she was scheduled to sing. She said she knew she had to, didn't really want to, but did it anyway. At the time, she said she didn't feel God, but she sang to him anyway. She knew he was there even if she didn't feel Him. She did it again and again, despite her brokenness. Then, at some point, she felt Him again.

I can relate. Right now, I don't feel anything but I know He's there and I know if I keep on walking, keep on going, eventually life will return. Although I'm pretty confident the pain will never go away, I know it will ease.

I'm going to try to be a little more positive. Even though I don't want to and don't feel like it, I'm going to do it...

I'm thankful today for my health, for surviving something so horrible, for being able to bend my legs, walk across the room, and even sit up. I'm thankful for my husband who holds my hand, comforts me when I cry and loves me no matter what. I'm thankful for my family who stood by me during my darkest days even though I know it was hard for them to see me like that and deal with something so emotionally overwhelming. I'm thankful for the beautiful weather we've had that's helped keep my spirits up, to know that spring is always a time of rebirth no matter who we are or what has happened in our lives. I'm thankful for my dog who has snuggled with me and licked my face whenever I've been home alone and needed comforting. I'm thankful that my baby girl is in my grandparents' arms along with many other wonderful family members. She will never know the pain this world can bring. She will only know love and peace. When I think the tears will never go away, I remind myself how blessed we are and it gets me through another day.

Hillsong - Desert Song Interview

Coping

I've decided to go back to work on Wednesday. I'm going to try half days for the rest of the week. I need to get my mind on something other than what I've been living the past couple months. I didn't even get out of bed yesterday until dinner time. I just couldn't do it. Yesterday was my hardest day. I thought after the service I could begin to move on a little more, but then it's just not that easy, is it?

I can't sleep and the couple times I've been able to I relive everything that's happened. Saturday night I dreamed she was fine. I had her in my arms rocking her, kissing her. I woke up a mess. I just couldn't stop crying. I can't get the image out of my head. Not even Xanax can stop those tears. Then, there are other times I feel like I can get through this, move on, but I start to feel guilty for feeling that. I honestly don't know what to do with myself and I hate it. Shannon has very specific and focused hobbies that keep him going. I don't, at least none that allow me to keep my mind focused long enough to keep it from wandering.

I found an article last night that was published in the Daily Mail, a newspaper in England. It was written by a father who almost lost his wife to preeclampsia, among other things. He is a mathematician and he wrote it from the perspective of how sometimes logic can't be found and how hard it was for him to accept that. They too lost their baby. Although her situation was quite a bit worse than mine, their story reminded me so much of us. The need for logic behind something that has none and how they each dealt with and coped with the situation differently, and that eventually they were able to find real happiness again. It gave me some peace at the end of the day. I'll take what I can get right now.

I will say Josey's service was perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. We have so many beautiful flowers to plant in her memory. I don't have much of a green thumb, but we're going to give it a go anyway. Today I'm going to figure out where I want everything to go. Once it warms up a bit tomorrow I think we're going to head to Lowe's to get what we need to plant them. We have a beautiful hydrangea bush, several gorgeous pink and yellow rose bushes, and even a couple of others that I don't know what they are. LOL But we'll find a place for them.

A New Beginning or A New After?

Tomorrow we finally lay our sweet little one to rest. We decided against a funeral because, to be quite honest, we weren't sure we could handle visiting with everyone we knew and also we had no idea that I would be as well as I am. The doctors told me it could be months before I was completely recovered. I may be weak, but physically I'm basically back to myself. We've talked a lot about tomorrow, as well as other special dates that mean something to all three of us throughout the year and how to deal with those. We didn't come up with an answer other than to just get through them. Tomorrow is one of those days. Thankfully, we both have a wonderful family to support us.

The one thing we truly understand is that we can't stay in the past. Right now it's really hard, but once tomorrow is over, we have to live in the after. Maybe it's a new beginning? Maybe it's just the after. I don't know. Either way, it's a new start, a different beginning, a new happily ever after. We refuse to read or believe the statistics on marriages after child loss. I honestly feel closer to my husband now than I did when we were married. I have no doubt we'll stumble our way through this and happy days will return.

Once we know a little more about what might or might not have caused my IUGR and pre-eclampsia (well at least to the best of the dr's ability based on my lab results) and we have found ourselves again, then we are going to come back to the idea of having children again. Right now is not the time. If adoption is our only route, then so be it. We may give it a try. If my labs come back and there is something there that stands out like a sore thumb and we can control it, then maybe we'll try again. We don't know and won't for awhile, but we've got our plan. We are planners after all. It makes us feel better. Spontaneity, not so much. lol

Please pray for our family tomorrow as we go through this difficult time. I know I've said it before, but we really do appreciate and feel all those prayers that have been directed our way. It's amazing how much being surrounded by the love of your friends and family can help get you through just one more day.

First Checkup

Yesterday I had my first checkup since leaving the hospital on Thursday afternoon. I was a wreck just thinking about going back to the hospital. I was so afraid he'd say, "well, you're going to have to stay the night." Luckily, I had some medication for that. LOL

Anyway, I made it to his office and thankfully got a good report. He was amazed at the weight I had lost. As of yesterday, I had lost 40.4 pounds since coming home. He just shook his head and said he's never seen a recovery this fast. My blood pressure was great and most of my swelling is gone. I still don't really have ankles or feet, but you can almost tell they are there. We discussed going forward (by the way, I hate that phrase, but it fits the sentence so...) with my meds and eventually weaning me off of some of them. One of them is a headache preventative, which I need for my migraines, but the other one actually causes headaches. So, go figure.

I have another 6 weeks before he'll consider officially releasing me, but I am allowed to start easing back into some things. I can take a walk, drive, and go back to work. However, all of this is dependent upon my strength. So, a walk may be to the end of my road and back. A drive may be the same. And working will probably have to start with some half days while working my way into a full day. I'm still really sore and pretty weak, but I do feel a little stronger each day, so I was so happy to know I can begin to work towards some normal things.

Once I reach the six week mark, most of my lab results should be back. I'll probably still be waiting for a couple, but we may know a little more then. I have been tested for so many things it makes my head spin. Plus the test results on Josey should also be back by then. At this point, I'm not sure it will matter what the results show. Shannon and I are absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again. As much as we would like to, it is the scariest thing on earth right now for both of us. Maybe if I hadn't been so sick that I almost didn't come home too, then it would be different. Of course, we've got time to talk about this and we will, but it's just too much at the moment.

One Week Down

We've made it a week. It's been miserable. Just when I feel like I can make it through one minute, the very next I can't breathe. I suppose that's normal.

So far today I've been okay. My sister took me on my first official "outing" to Wal-Mart to pick up a couple things I needed and to the bank. It felt good to get out for awhile. I feel like there are things I need to be doing for Saturday, but I can't bring myself to go there yet.

I lost another 8 pounds since yesterday. I was actually able to put on my jeans this morning. Granted they are my "fat" jeans, but they are jeans and not maternity clothes. Thank God. For those keeping count, that's 33 pounds gone since Friday, and of course, that doesn't include the weight I lost the first two days I was on lasiks.

My first two hospital bills have arrived. Wow. I'm very thankful for the health insurance I took out on the last day of open enrollment, otherwise we'd be hurting. It's not pretty. BUT, at least I'm on the mend and finally home. I'm ready for this week to be over and to try to attempt moving on and finding some peace in all of this.

Waves

Today is my birthday. What a way to celebrate, huh? I'd like to just stay in bed with the covers over my head. Part of me just wants to disappear for awhile, remove myself from the world. Then, I get mad at myself for even feeling like that. I refuse to be beaten by this. At some point, I'll have to throw myself back into real life, face the new babies around me, and just put myself back out there. I don't know how that will go, but I don't see any other way around it. It eventually has to be done.

The chaplain at the hospital told me grief comes in waves just like the ocean. I might have mentioned this before, but I can't remember. Mine seem to be coming fast and furious building up to tsunami status. I do pretty good when people are around, but once everyone leaves and it's just the two of us (and Newton, of course), I don't hold it together too well. I will say, amazingly enough, that our little Newton has been good therapy. Who knew a little dog could help so much? lol We definitely don't like our "new normal," but unfortunately we're stuck with it.

On a brighter note, I seem to be getting stronger each day. Between Friday and Saturday I lost 13.2 pounds of fluid. From yesterday to this morning, I have lost 11.8 pounds. I'm not sure what I lost from the previous 2 days, but I would guess close to 20 pounds based on the several gallons I know I lost. They stopped weighing me 2 or 3 days before I delivered and I ballooned up a lot in those couple days. I keep thinking I'm seeing things when I get on the scales, but I can definitely feel the difference. The human body is definitely a mystery. It can take you to the brink without any known reason and bring you back just as fast.

Well, I think it's time for breakfast and maybe another nap. After all, it is still early.

Home

I got to come home yesterday afternoon. I swear I got in the van and saw all the dogwood and pear trees in bloom and just started crying. I am pretty sure I have never been so overwhelmed with life itself. The ride home wasn't easy. I hadn't sat straight up in a month. Mom had to stop at the rest area so I could go to the bathroom. That was an adventure. We made it though.

I slept better last night than I have since I was admitted. That being said, I was still up going to the bathroom every hour. The good news is so much fluid has come off me in the past 2 days. I'm still swollen, but I'm actually able to bend my legs a little now. Today is my first day off the lasiks, which is what got the fluid moving. I'm trying to drink plenty of water so it will keep moving.

This morning I had my first official breakdown, but I was due. I'm sure I'll have several more, but I really needed to get this first one out of the way. Everything is finally hitting me now. The reality that I truly might not have made it home, that I waited a week longer than I should have...but we had to give Josey a chance. Even though we pretty much knew the outcome, for our sanity we had to give it all we had.

I don't know what the next few weeks, months will bring, but I do know we have a lot of recovery coming our way, both physically for me and emotionally for both of us. I so just want to get up and be able to get things done that need to be done. Just move. But unfortunately, I can't do it, not yet anyway. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. He'll check my labs and everything again. Let's hope it's continues to go in the right direction.

Another day down......

One more day

I was told this morning, pending nothing crazy, I could go home tomorrow. Dr. O'Brien actually told me I could go home tonight if Dr. Youkilis was okay with it, but I think he'll make me stay until tomorrow. Still, it's a start. I was allowed up today to take a shower. It felt like heaven. Thankfully there was a nice big seat in the shower. Otherwise, I wouldn't have made it. Physically, I'm starting to feel a little better every day. Unfortunately, none of my clothes fit. I'm still so swollen that even my t-shirts and big baggy sweatpants are too tight. It takes everything in me just to get up and walk two or three steps. They really wanted to see how I did with it today. Obviously, they don't expect me to just bounce back and go back to normal, but I guess that's what I keep expecting because it's driving me crazy. BUT, at least I can sit up and get up by myself now, even if it takes me ten minutes. If any of you that have been through this have any suggestions on getting through this part, please let me know.

Today

I've always heard bad things come in threes, I just never heard of that number being exponential. Our sweet baby girl didn't make it, and I'm still stuck in this hospital bed barely able to breathe from the swelling. But I also know there are a lot of other people out there hurting too. Fathers have passed on, jobs have been lost just to name a few. I'm so ready to GO HOME! When does it stop?

Today has been really really hard. Some of the physical pain has slowly started to subside, while leaving my emotional state really fragile. Well, let's just be honest - it's broken. I know many of you have asked about arrangements. We haven't been able to make any real plans since I'm still in the hospital and don't know when I'm coming home; however, Josey is at Northcutt & Son. We're planning on having a small, graveside memorial with family and close friends sometime after I get home. More than likely this will be next week sometime. I hope to know more about my condition tomorrow and then we'll let the funeral home know as well.

Please know that if we haven't answered your phone call or replied to your emails, it's not because we don't appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. WE SO DO. But for now, we just need some time for us and some time to process all of this and try to get myself well and get home.

Day 22

Today is probably the last day I'll be posting for awhile. I am being induced tomorrow morning. I was told the entire process may take a day or two. Although we've been waiting for this news, based on the early onset IUGR and the severe pre-eclampsia, the doctors have now shifted to maternal care instead of fetal. There really is no chance of fetal survival at this point and certain areas of my body are beginning to deteriorate; so, something has to be done.

Hopefully, I'll be home by next weekend and we can begin to try to move on from here.

Day 21

Today is bittersweet. I spoke with Dr. Barton this morning and things are finally starting to take that final turn. He is consulting with another doctor, Dr. Sabai, who apparently is internationally recognized in the field. I googled him. His name is everywhere, so I feel confident between he and my doctors they know what they are doing. Unfortunately, our outcome isn't going to be what we hoped for unless by some miracle she has doubled in size, but we have the comfort of knowing we've had the best doctors out there taking care of us and everything that could be done, was done.

On a more hopeful note, I spoke with Ashley this morning. Most of you have found your way here from her website. If not, Ashley is my cousin who unfortunately has gone through this very exact same thing, only mine has been a bit more in slow motion. She had a doctor's appointment this morning and informed her doctor of my situation. Her doctor was very surprised that this could happen in the same family like it has with us. Ashley and I are hopeful that maybe between both our cases, these doctors out there might be able to find something different that they didn't know they should be looking for or maybe even a new test. Obviously, that would be quite awhile from now, but if somehow, someway, Josey and Nolan could help save the lives of other babies and mommies in this condition, then that would definitely make us happy.

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Keep Ashley and Chris in your prayers too as they get ready to try again, and keep our doctors in your prayers so that just maybe something good can come from all of this.

For those of you who haven't visited Ashley's blog and read her story, you can find it here

http://rubybaby09.blogspot.com/

Day 20

I can't believe I've been here 20 days. The past few have definitely been the worst. Not just for obvious reasons, but physical reasons as well. I have gained 17 pounds since I've been here, most of which has been in the past few days. I have to have help getting up, whether it be grabbing the bedrails or having someone pull me. It takes forever. Just in the past couple days I'm having trouble sitting up for any length of time. It just smothers me. I feel like a balloon that was just inflated. My sides stick out past my hip bones. It's ridiculous. If someone poked me, I'm pretty sure I'd pop. It makes being here a lot more difficult.

I'm supposed to have a ''free" day today. Then we'll start tests back in the morning. If I can stand it, I may go for a wheel chair ride today. I'll just have to see how the day goes.

Day 19

I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm so tired of this roller coaster. I honestly can say I will never get on another one in my life. This has been enough for a lifetime.

Last night I thought it was all over. I was so sick. Sleep didn't come until 4 this morning. Tylenol wasn't working and my doctor wouldn't give me anything stronger because it could mask the actual symptoms of pre-e. He wanted to be sure. So, I had to endure. It wasn't the worst headache I've had. I've definitely had worse; however, it lasted almost 24 hours straight and that's never happened. Then, late this morning it was gone. From listening to bits and pieces from the nurses, as well as the doctors, they were expecting it anytime as well.

I had another u/s today to check my dopplers and more blood work as usual. Once again, nothing had significantly changed. I really do respect the doctors that are working with me. Dr. M looked at me and in not so many words said, I know this is hard because we can't give you a definitive answer as to when things are going to happen. All we can give you is what we see today.

They have me prepped for delivery, whether it be emergency or planned. They've covered their bases and sent us every doctor with every piece of data out there. Once they are able to do another u/s to check for growth then we'll likely know when the 'when' will be answered. Unfortunately, they can't check for growth until probably Monday. So we sit and wait until then or until something else changes. What happens if she has grown you ask? Then, we sit and wait some more. Do you see now why this roller coaster is driving us crazy? Yesterday it's over. Today we may have until Monday or so. And then, of course, if she hasn't grown or grown enough, then the situation is still the same as earlier and we have to go through everything all over again. Our nerves are completely shot.

Day 18

The NICU stopped and talked with us last night. The bottom line is she's too small at this gestational age for much if any intervention, including steroids. Her current weight is only slightly more than the smallest known survivor and despite what the media reported with this child, the doctor I spoke with had spoken with this child's doctor and he or she has severe handicaps. The percentages of her surviving, even if she were to gain a little weight by the end of the week are practically nothing and out of the small percentage, 9 out 10 have severe handicaps that wouldn't give her any quality of life.

My condition is a little different than most. I have severe preeclampsia, but I also have something called IUGR. Because of the two, it's made it nearly impossible for a positive outcome. I'm not sure yet when I'll deliver, but it will be soon. We're just waiting to hear a little more from the perinatologist. We do know the placenta and the cord will be sent off for testing to see if by chance this was a chromosomal issue. If so, then this was my body's way of taking care of that, but of course, that doesn't make it any easier. If the placenta and cord prove to be fine and not show any sort of abnormality, then there's a 60% chance of this happening to me again.

Needless to say my blood pressure has been terrible. My meds have doubled and they've added more to my iv. I'm trying to just remove myself from the situation so I can get through the next few days. We're working through acceptance and trying really hard to be as strong as we can given the situation.

We want to thank everyone for all the wonderful prayers. I don't know how people can go through any traumatic event without their family and friends. It truly does help. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we go forward from here.

Day 17

Well, it appears this may be my last week. I spoke with yet another doctor, who happens to be the "head" guy. Although he said many of the same things we had already heard, he was a lot more forth coming than the others. He's sending the NICU folks over to talk with us. He wants us to decide when it's time to intervene on the baby's behalf. In other words, once we speak to the NICU, at 25 weeks she would need to weigh x amount, etc. in order to intervene. He doesn't want us to get in a situation where things start to go bad and then have to ask, "what do you want to do?" He wants us to have all the facts before we make any decision. Of course, if she's not growing there's really not a lot to consider. No matter how long my labs stay stable, if she doesn't grow it doesn't matter. So, we're basically back where we were earlier this week.

Day 16

It's too early to know what today will bring, but it's already started off eventful. (I say this sarcastically.) I gained 5 pounds since yesterday. I'm having a horrible time keeping my eyes open. I guess it all went to my face. Luckily, I slept well last night. I even had normal dreams. The couple times I woke up I actually for a split second didn't realize where I was. It was wonderful.

My blood work has already been taken. The doctor came in around 7 this morning. My labs are basically the same, which hopefully gives me another day. I suppose the steroid talk will be tomorrow, at least that's what my doctor yesterday said. It's hard keeping up with 4 different doctors. Of course, two of them are now on vacation. I don't blame them though. They are always here - day in and day out. I'm not sure how these people have any sort of life other than hospital life.

I honestly can't believe I'm starting on my third week here. The last two weeks seem to disappear in my mind, all but the bad news. At least it seems to have gone faster than I would have thought. I've said it before, but I'm truly, truly exhausted. I don't even want to get out of bed now. It takes everything in me to drag the iv to the bathroom, and changing clothes takes me at least a half hour to recover. Dad asked me yesterday how long it would take me once I got home to be able to walk across the house. I'd say quite a while. It will definitely be some time before I can lace up my zumba shoes again.

Day 15

I guess I'm in a holding pattern. Last night was miserable. My bp went up and I had to have an iv. I still have it today and I guess I'll keep it. My doctor is gone on vacation this week. It's spring break here in Lex. So, I'm under the care of the PDC docs, which have basically been taking care of me too. I suppose one of them will be in today. Sleep didn't come until around 1 and then only at 2 and 3 hour intervals because the nurses had to keep coming in to check on me.

I really have no idea what today, tomorrow or this week will bring. I was told once yesterday it was pretty hopeless and then told again they were going to give me steroids tomorrow anyway. I am numb. I had prepared myself for the worst and had started to accept it the best I could. Now I've got a possible week of yesterdays to go through again this upcoming week. The hardest thing is knowing more than likely nothing will change, but then there's always that hope that you're wrong. The only chance I have is another possible week to see if she's grown. If I don't get that, then there's nothing that can be done and if I do and she hasn't grown then there's still nothing that can be done. Last week I was told I didn't have a week, but really I guess no one knows.

Another Dr Visit

This evening I had another visit from yet another doctor. I was told at this point as long as my levels stay stable, it would be more of a risk to me to do anything. So, we wait until something changes.

He said the same things the other doctor said as far as if something happens now, there's really no hope, but he wanted to go ahead and give me steroids on Sunday if I get there. He said it's possible she weighs more than what the u/s shows and that many babies born this early do have a chance, although a lot don't. Either way, he recommended nothing changes for now unless my labs change.

I was wrong. I made it to 10:30 before the bad news hit. I spoke with my doctor concerning where we are. At this point, we aren't growing and she's too small for even the hospital to consider trying to save. My platelets have dropped, although not to a dangerous level yet. However, at the rate of progression, I don't have too many more days. Being that's the case, there's not much else for us to do. I was told even if a miracle happened and I made it to 29 weeks, the rate of growth would restrict her and she would be so far behind mentally that she may not have much quality of life.

All I know at this point, is my heart really hurts. We're trying to be strong and just be thankful that I caught this when I did. Otherwise, I may have put myself at serious risk. Of course, that doesn't make this any easier, but we'll take what we can get I guess.

Day 14

More tests today. Of course, the tests they are running are more or less to see if I have some condition that can cause what's going on so that should we ever decide to get pregnant again, there are steps we can take to prevent this. I'm not so sure I want to go down this road again, but that's something we'll have to take up a lot later. Either way, it's nothing to help today's situation. I thought they had already run every test. My arm definitely looks like it.

I'm not sure what today will bring. It would be wonderful if it didn't bring anything. Normally, bad news always rears its ugly head before 9 or 10. If not before then, then usually late in the afternoon. I would love a day to just lay here in bed without interruption, but I also know the doctors do and say what they do not to upset me, but to keep me informed and keep me healthy, at least that's what I tell myself.

Another Day

I'm embarrassed to say I'm a bit superstitious, so I'm changing up the title today. lol For the moment, we are stable. My blood work came back basically the same this morning. So hopefully no more changes today. My heart stops every time the door opens, especially when I see the doctor. Today is 23/4.

I was hoping to work some while I was here, but I can't focus my attention on anything at the moment, at least not until I get through this weekend. I know every sound the clock makes in my room. It changes tones between the 6 and 9 every time it goes around. The computers in my room make a beeping sound each time a doctor signs on from his office and forgets to log off his account. The wallpaper is starting to peel around the windows. I leave the tv on for noise, but I haven't watched too many shows. It's nice when I can get lost in something for awhile; it's just really hard to do right now.

But, here's to one more day.

**update**

I had another u/s today to check growth. Despite the fact she's physically healthy, she's just too small. More than likely if I even make it to Sunday, well, she's just too small. I feel like we're stuck in a never ending nightmare. If a woman's body isn't meant to carry a child, why in the world would it let you carry it for so long? My head is filled with all those questions everyone asks - how can these women continue to have children that don't even want them? how can drug addicts and alcoholics have perfectly normal kids, but I can't? I know I shouldn't ask these questions. There is no answer. I know I'm not at fault, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's just not fair. It's not fair that I'm not the only one this has happened to in my own family. It's not fair anyone should ever have to feel this way or experience this.

I keep praying for a miracle, but I also keep trying to prepare myself and not throw myself into denial. One way or another, we will get through this.

Day 12

Every day is a new roller coaster. I used to like roller coasters, but not so much anymore. The day started off on a fairly uneventful note, until the rest of my labs came back and I found out my liver is getting worse. Apparently, I may not even have a week now. I pray my body will cooperate until Sunday. I'm down right mad at the moment. I have a perfectly healthy baby and a miserable body trying to kick her out.

Please keep praying we can both fight just a little bit longer.

News

This morning I was told should I continue on the path I'm going, I may make it to 24 weeks/4 days. Of course, with this disease it could change over night. Or not. Either way, we're not really sure how to start dealing with this. We talked about it last night and have tried to prepare, but you never really can be prepared. Should we make it to next week, there may be a chance, depending on her growth. There's just really no way to know at this point.

Day 11

Boy, my face is starting to swell. It's not too bad yet, but I feel like one of those puffer fish. It's also starting to take everything I've got just to change clothes in the morning and try to walk to the bathroom and back. Who knew laying around all day could wear you out? lol I'm pretty sure I couldn't get through the warm-up song during zumba at this point. Not to mention my feet are killing me. My toes look like tree trunks. It's quite attractive.

I have more testing today. The lab came in around 5:30 for blood and at some point I am going for another ultrasound and to see the docs. Until then, I'm just going to try to relax and keep my mind off things.

Day 10

I'm feeling much better this morning; however, I just took my bp meds about a half hour ago so we'll see if I end up with another headache. If the meds work though, I can put up with a headache. I have had migraines since I was in 6th grade and chronic migraines for the past 6 years. I can deal with a 3 month migraine. lol

I have an ultrasound sometime today. To be honest, I'm really nervous. Praying for good news. Hoping everything looks good and my labs are stable enough to keep cookin'. It seems the magic date is April 25th. I'll be 28 weeks then. Obviously, the longer the better, but the doctors seem to be talking a lot about 28 weeks. So, basically another month would put me in pretty good shape pending no trouble. I'll try to give another update later today.

**update**

Well, I don't know whether to say I have good news or bad news or just plain news. Some of my labs are fairly stable, some have gone up and my ultrasound is still "abnormal" whatever that means. The u/s wasn't really for the baby, but more for me, e.g. checking fluid, the placenta, uterine growth, etc. The doctor has decided to give me progesterone aka the pregnancy hormone. Basically, a study was done on pre-term births and although the study wasn't involving pre-eclampsia, they found that most women who took the extra hormone who had pre-e or were on the verge, tended to stay fairly stable; however, it was given around 18-20 weeks. I am 23 weeks. Pretty much, they are just trying whatever they can to slow down the inevitable.

**update 2 @ 4:15 pm**

I have been officially diagnosed with pre-eclampsia.

Day 9

Almost through another day. This morning I felt terrible, then I got a temporary reprieve and once again I'm starting to feel pretty icky. I have an ultrasound in the morning and should get the results of my 24 hour urine test.

That's all I've got for today. Don't really feel like typing too much.

Day 8

Well, today hasn't exactly turned out the way I was hoping. I still haven't quite become pre-eclamptic, but some things have changed overnight and it's inching that way. We've started more tests and probably won't have all the results back until Monday. What a great weekend.

They've kept me completely in bed today, which means no wheel chair ride for me or a shower for that matter. Shannon and I have watched movies and napped. I wish I could sleep for about another 4 hours just to pass the day.

My aunt and uncle dropped by for a few minutes with charmin and charmin wipes in hand. That made me smile. It makes these 24 hour urine tests a little better. lol

I don't like the weekends here. Weekdays seem to pass faster. Even though I've said it before, it really is one long day at a time, and sometimes an hour at a time. I just keep waiting to wake up and this all be a dream.

Day 7...cont.

I was allowed out of my "prison cell" today for half an hour. Shannon was allowed to wheel me outside to sit in the sun. Who knew a few minutes outside could make such a difference? We also met another couple confined up here with us. The nurse brought them over to visit. She had her sweet little dog with her. I can't wait to see my Newton! She has been here going on 28 days. It was so nice talking to someone who knows what I am going through right this minute. I think it lifted both mine and Shannon's spirits to see she's made it to 34 weeks while here and gets to visit with her puppy dog. Yes, I know you may think that's silly, but I miss my dog. He's my baby too. :)

Still no news, so again hopefully no news is good news. The doctor stopped by while we were on our "walk" but our nurse said he just stopped by to check on me and to tell me hello. My bp has around the same range today; however, it can still stand to go lower. BUT, it was better than yesterday. Maybe another day of this new dosage and it will get even better, at least we hope.

I feel like I say that word a lot -hope. For now, it's what we hold on to, so you'll probably here it a lot more. Not sure what tomorrow may bring. Shannon's going to take me on another walk while the weather is still nice. I'm definitely looking forward to that already. Here's to another day.

Day 7

I've made it 7 days in this room. Can't believe it. lol Last night I dreamed my entire office worked as tellers at Trans Financial Bank (now US Bank). I wonder what that means? Random. I also told Shannon I need some toilet paper from home. He just laughs, but seriously people, this stuff is like sandpaper.

This weekend my cousin is getting married. I hate to miss weddings. If you ask Shannon he will tell you it's not the wedding I hate to miss, but the wedding cake. And he would be right. HA! We were talking the other day about how he had forgotten how excited he used to get to drive to Lexington to see me when we were dating. I would drive home on the weekends to see him and he would drive a couple nights a week to Lex to see me. So, we decided to just pretend we're dating all over again, except instead of a nice apartment and date nights, it's movies in bed and wheel chair rides around the hospital.

I hate to jinx myself, but so far today my bp has been a bit better. I have a slight headache and feel a little tired, but they tell me it's more than likely from all the bp meds. I haven't seen any of the doctors today, so I don't have any news, but I'm going to go on the old saying no news is good news.

I may have another post today. I normally type these up at night, but felt the need to write a little something this morning. Until then...

Day 6

So I am trying to come to terms with the length of this stay. I really need to quit feeling sorry for myself being away from home and get over it. Home isn't going anywhere and will be there when I get out of here. There are several doctors on the case and I met a new one today. He basically gave me another come to Jesus talk. You know, the things you don't want to hear, but you already know. Of course, it's just so much harder hearing it from the pros. And it seems each doctor presents it differently. The one thing I didn't know was that my last labs had gotten a little worse, still not enough for a diagnosis, but enough for some worry. That, of course, was enough for another melt down.

My blood pressure also went up again, but how could it not when I have sat here in tears all day? How can they get an accurate reading when someone is already a mess? So, I laid myself flat on my left side and just went to sleep.

However, on a slightly brighter note, Dr. Youkilis came in not long ago and said my labs came back today and were a little better than they were. They are still not perfect. They are still elevated, but at least that's a good sign for now. He stressed again, it's a day at a time, a week at a time. He did increase my blood pressure medicine. I was on a really low dose, so he raised it slightly. Hopefully, that will start keeping my blood pressure in check.

Today, after all that, I finally truly understood that this isn't about me whining because I can't sleep in my bed or snuggle up with my husband. Not that I didn't already, but I think I may have been feeling sorry for myself and shouldn't have been. I may not be able to do much to keep this from progressing, but I can do whatever I'm told to prolong it from happening. Like they said, one day at a time, one week at a time. If I can make it to 24 weeks, each day gives a little more hope. For those counting, that's 10 more days.

Oh and GO CATS! :)

Day 5

Today has been an emotional roller coaster. I’ve had lots of wonderful visitors that definitely helped me get through the day. The hard part comes at night when it’s just me. I usually have my daily breakdown right about then. I suppose at some point I’ll numb up to it, but for now it’s still new and really hard. Maybe I shouldn’t be sharing this info, but for now it’s my way of coping.

I am looking forward to diving into a good book and maybe working some from my computer here in the hospital…anything to keep me busy and my mind off the obvious. Shannon (my wonderful hubby, for those of you that don’t know) has brought me several movies to watch, so I have something to watch during the day. Seriously, there is nothing on tv during the day.

Looking forward to the season premiere of South Park. Nothing like obnoxious cartoon kids to take my mind off of the present. Gotta love mindless tv. I might even indulge in some Maury tomorrow. Who's the daddy? LOL

Info

As most of you know (or don’t know), I have just been “sentenced” to bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. I am currently 22 weeks/3days. A full term pregnancy goes just around 40 weeks. You do the math. Oh, and did I mention, I’m in the hospital? Yes, my bed rest isn’t at home, but in the hospital. Thankfully, all my nurses have been wonderful and I do have my own room. My doctors are great and one happens to be one of the best in his field. I know I’m in good hands, which makes being an hour from home a little more tolerable.

I haven’t been given a time frame for this stay. I have just been told I need to take it a week at a time. Obviously, the longer I can go the better. I’m trying my best to adjust to the thought of being here for that long, but I’m not quite there yet. It’s hard to understand how all this can happen so fast, which makes this adjustment so hard.

The good news is I’m not yet pre-eclamptic, although I am still at risk, which again, is why I’m here. The bad news is my blood pressure is still fairly high, but I have started bp meds and I feel positive that once they get in my system that my blood pressure will adjust. Also, so far baby Josey is doing good. She is about 5-10 days behind her gestational age; however, that is still within normal ranges. All babies develop differently and it’s entirely possible she’ll catch up, or not, but as long as she stays within the normal range that’s all that matters. I’ve been told I’ll have weekly ultrasounds to monitor her growth.

From here on out we just monitor, monitor, monitor and hope that my labs stay normal or semi-normal and my blood pressure continues to be stable or even go down. Thankfully, I have wireless internet and my lap top. So what better way to get through this then blog? I thought it would be a good way for me to get out what I’m feeling, keep folks updated and keep me sane. I’m thinking I may pick a topic each day to talk about, rant and rave about, laugh about or cry.

Please feel free to comment and share your stories. Welcome to my life. You’ve just been invited inside. LOL