Thursday, April 22, 2010

Officially our 'new normal'

It feels good to be back to work. It takes my mind away from the past several weeks for a few hours. It has also worn me out, so I was actually able to sleep last night. I've been getting a taste of this new normal we have now. I might have mentioned this in another entry, but a few days ago I knocked a baby angel someone sent us off the table and it broke. I had to catch myself on the table to keep from going to my knees. I was devastated. Yesterday, I glued her back together. I couldn't help but feel that was how I feel - the pieces may fit together again, but I'll always be broken, cracked. I don't quite "fit together" the way I used to even though I may appear the same on the outside. This was very evident in both of us last night.

Bad days, good days, just getting through days and then trying to sync up with each other and have a normal existence right now is really hard. It's hard on each of us as individuals and hard on us as a couple. The stress drives me crazy. We pushed ourselves last night for some normalcy. It wasn't easy, but we managed to get out and go to dinner and have a somewhat mundane, but enjoyable conversation. It took a few tears and some frustration, but we did get out of the house.

We both dread the inevitable onslaught of "how are you doing?" and "I'm so sorry" or "just try again." There are a few places we know we have to avoid at the moment, but then there are places I think we can go to ease our way back into small town living. Right now, living in a big city seems quite desirable. We could just fade into the crowd and not worry about it, but not here. It's like Cheers, everybody knows your name. Of course, this blog doesn't help. Now everyone knows our business. LOL I can't help it though; it helps me say what I need to say without actually saying it out loud.

Anyway, here's to our new normal and the hope there's still some good to come.

8 comments:

belle said...

((((hugs))))

Jaime said...

xo

Maddie said...

Hugs. We found it difficult in the beginning too - I'd have a bad day when DH was having a good day. And we found different things difficult and helpful. Hang in there.

xx

Saffy said...

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job of one day at a time :) I can't imagine living in a small town and having people 'know'. Hats off to you - but then again, there will be some nice support and comfort from some circles, I'm sure. Hugs.

Janet said...

Think you all are doing well. Life is a constant change, Some good, some not so good. Guess I have learned that with age!!!!!! Glad you enjoy being back to work. You are right about the writing, I think it is very good. So much easier than saying it. Take care of yourselves. LOve and prayers

The Masons said...

You know - even though your situations are TOTALLY different, Nikki felt the same way about desiring to live in a big city after Jamie left. She did not know how to deal with the 'how are you doing' and 'what happened?' everyday... but she slowly got used to it and now those comments have slowly faded away... and now she's back to enjoying the small town life. :)

btw - Glad you are blogging... it's nice to 'know' how you are without having to ask:)

Amanda

starla said...

hey cousin...i wasn't aware, so i'm chiming in a bit later than others. my heart is with you. i completely understand that fear of being out and about around friends, knowing they know and don't know what to say, or knowing they don't know and dreading the moment when they ask how you're doing. as someone who is quite experienced with the humiliation of finding yourself chewing on your foot, i always ended up feeling bad for them, honestly. if you'll indulge me for another second, i'll let you in on something...it's far worse in some ways to be in that large city where nobody knows. my heart would be breaking, and tears were like fountains in my soul, and the world around me continued, to my amazement, to spin. people laughed, told jokes, and went about their daily lives while mine felt like it would never be the same and i was all alone in it. sometimes, i so desperately wanted to cry on a shoulder that i had grown up with. i never thought i'd have to feel that way again, after kenney, but there i was in that same spot twice more. listen closely for the whispers of your heart telling you what you need to do to find peace, regardless of what books or well meaning friends (like me!!) tell you. you are a strong woman and a wonderful person.

you're in my thoughts, you're in my prayers.
star

starla said...

well, here's a smile i can maybe send your way...you're probably wondering who in the heck is this idiot!! well, in my sleep addled, delirious world, i thought i was reading a blog written by my cousin, who must be one of your followers, in actuality. i'm so sorry that i disturbed your page, but i promise i will continue to say prayers for you.

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