Sunday, April 11, 2010

Waves

Today is my birthday. What a way to celebrate, huh? I'd like to just stay in bed with the covers over my head. Part of me just wants to disappear for awhile, remove myself from the world. Then, I get mad at myself for even feeling like that. I refuse to be beaten by this. At some point, I'll have to throw myself back into real life, face the new babies around me, and just put myself back out there. I don't know how that will go, but I don't see any other way around it. It eventually has to be done.

The chaplain at the hospital told me grief comes in waves just like the ocean. I might have mentioned this before, but I can't remember. Mine seem to be coming fast and furious building up to tsunami status. I do pretty good when people are around, but once everyone leaves and it's just the two of us (and Newton, of course), I don't hold it together too well. I will say, amazingly enough, that our little Newton has been good therapy. Who knew a little dog could help so much? lol We definitely don't like our "new normal," but unfortunately we're stuck with it.

On a brighter note, I seem to be getting stronger each day. Between Friday and Saturday I lost 13.2 pounds of fluid. From yesterday to this morning, I have lost 11.8 pounds. I'm not sure what I lost from the previous 2 days, but I would guess close to 20 pounds based on the several gallons I know I lost. They stopped weighing me 2 or 3 days before I delivered and I ballooned up a lot in those couple days. I keep thinking I'm seeing things when I get on the scales, but I can definitely feel the difference. The human body is definitely a mystery. It can take you to the brink without any known reason and bring you back just as fast.

Well, I think it's time for breakfast and maybe another nap. After all, it is still early.

10 comments:

Beth said...

Happy Birthday!

Hang in there. *hugs*

*Laura Angel said...

Hapy Birthday! I was the same way...ok when people were around...thats why I needed people around for seriously for 6 weeks...I was just too scared to be alone.

As for the dog thing..my Charlie was home for me and made me feel so much better.

Jaime said...

Happy Birthday, Kerry!

If your birthday wish is to stay in bed all day then by all means do it! It's your day.

xo

Michelle said...

Happy Birthday!!! It's your day and you can do anything you want! Glad to hear you are starting to feel better health wise. Mentally and emotionally takes time. You will learn to cope with it. Just give yourself time.

Kelli said...

Happy Birthday!!

Try and be as patient & gentle as possble with yourself... we are praying for you and Shannon.

With Out My Punkin said...

Happy Birthday. It hits you like you said when you least expect it. Like everyone has said, it takes time... Thinking of you ((hugs))

belle said...

sending you love for your birthday.... milestones are so tough and so are the waves..... don't rush, take the time that YOU need to- slow or fast.

(((hugs)))

Saffy said...

Happy Birthday. I'm so pleased that you made it to this birthday ;) Bless Newton for being around - Bentley the cat was my equivalent. It's amazing how perceptive and loyal they are, huh? And go the ultimate weight loss - it's amazing how quickly it falls off. I hope somebody makes you a cake today >:D<

Janet said...

Happy Birthday Kerry. Hope you had a good day today. Glad you are feeling better physically. The other will come too. I liked you remarks about facing things. It will be hard, no doubt about it. But happy to hear you say it needs to be done. I have learned with age!!!!! Life goes on, no matter what happens, and we have a choice what to do with it. Happy Birthday Again!!!!!

asherandevan said...

Happy Birthday!

I'm sorry you have to be going through all of this on your birthday. Take it easy, and do something nice for yourself, if you're up to it. Take care of yourself, and don't feel pressured to enjoy anything if you don't want to. After all, it is YOUR day!

My birthday fell about a month after my boys, and it was rough. Hang in there, I'll be thinking of you today!

Becky

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