Waves

Today is my birthday. What a way to celebrate, huh? I'd like to just stay in bed with the covers over my head. Part of me just wants to disappear for awhile, remove myself from the world. Then, I get mad at myself for even feeling like that. I refuse to be beaten by this. At some point, I'll have to throw myself back into real life, face the new babies around me, and just put myself back out there. I don't know how that will go, but I don't see any other way around it. It eventually has to be done.

The chaplain at the hospital told me grief comes in waves just like the ocean. I might have mentioned this before, but I can't remember. Mine seem to be coming fast and furious building up to tsunami status. I do pretty good when people are around, but once everyone leaves and it's just the two of us (and Newton, of course), I don't hold it together too well. I will say, amazingly enough, that our little Newton has been good therapy. Who knew a little dog could help so much? lol We definitely don't like our "new normal," but unfortunately we're stuck with it.

On a brighter note, I seem to be getting stronger each day. Between Friday and Saturday I lost 13.2 pounds of fluid. From yesterday to this morning, I have lost 11.8 pounds. I'm not sure what I lost from the previous 2 days, but I would guess close to 20 pounds based on the several gallons I know I lost. They stopped weighing me 2 or 3 days before I delivered and I ballooned up a lot in those couple days. I keep thinking I'm seeing things when I get on the scales, but I can definitely feel the difference. The human body is definitely a mystery. It can take you to the brink without any known reason and bring you back just as fast.

Well, I think it's time for breakfast and maybe another nap. After all, it is still early.