Friday, April 9, 2010

Home

I got to come home yesterday afternoon. I swear I got in the van and saw all the dogwood and pear trees in bloom and just started crying. I am pretty sure I have never been so overwhelmed with life itself. The ride home wasn't easy. I hadn't sat straight up in a month. Mom had to stop at the rest area so I could go to the bathroom. That was an adventure. We made it though.

I slept better last night than I have since I was admitted. That being said, I was still up going to the bathroom every hour. The good news is so much fluid has come off me in the past 2 days. I'm still swollen, but I'm actually able to bend my legs a little now. Today is my first day off the lasiks, which is what got the fluid moving. I'm trying to drink plenty of water so it will keep moving.

This morning I had my first official breakdown, but I was due. I'm sure I'll have several more, but I really needed to get this first one out of the way. Everything is finally hitting me now. The reality that I truly might not have made it home, that I waited a week longer than I should have...but we had to give Josey a chance. Even though we pretty much knew the outcome, for our sanity we had to give it all we had.

I don't know what the next few weeks, months will bring, but I do know we have a lot of recovery coming our way, both physically for me and emotionally for both of us. I so just want to get up and be able to get things done that need to be done. Just move. But unfortunately, I can't do it, not yet anyway. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. He'll check my labs and everything again. Let's hope it's continues to go in the right direction.

Another day down......

10 comments:

Amanda said...

If you ever need to vent/talk I'm always here. You are always on my mind and in my prayers.

Amanda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Abbey said...

You are still constantly on everyone's mind and in everyone's prayer. Thinking of you and Shannon and your family always. It's a long road ahead I'm sure, Kerry, everyone is behind you.

Soko's Journey to Parenthood said...

Glad to hear you are back home and every day seems to be a little better than the day before. Small steps and take care of you right now. You are strong and you are a fighter. Josey is watching over you and she will help you heal.

We are still keeping you in our prayers and hope you continue to get better every day.

Take care. Hugs

Jaime said...

You are an strong woman and an amazing mama for giving it all you had, Kerry, to keep Josey with you as long as you could. xo

Be gentle on yourself and take all the help you can get. When someone asks what they can do tell them they can bring you dinner, wash your dishes, do your laundry, sweep your floors, do your grocery shopping for you. Know that your friends want to help (you know you would do it in return for them). Be selfish... and I don't mean it in a rude selfish way, rather in a you need help getting by and there are people around who would be more than willing to help out with any task way.

Take things slowly. Your breakdowns will happen often... at times they will come when you least expect them... and let them. It really feels good to get it out. Your loss deserves many breakdowns, tears, screams, and stomps. It's unfair that you have lost your little Josey. Don't rush through your grief.

And know that some days when you want to cry the tears won't come. I found those days the hardest. For some reason I couldn't cry and then my feelings turned into guilt and anger...

All completely normal.

We are here to listen and provide as much encouragement and support as you may need.

To brighter days,
Jaime
xo

Charity said...

Praying!! Glad you got to come home... You did the best you could Kerry. Josey is in heaven now with her Savior... and her cousin Nolan! :) I'm sure they're having a blast...
Hugs... hang in there. We're all praying for you!
Chare

belle said...

(((hugs))) stay connected to this blogging community... your tough days will come for a while.... you are loved and cared for and have companionship and understanding here.

josey is a special little girl to have a wonderful mommy like you.

just wanted you to know that you are not alone and i'm here for you too.

rest my friend. your body and your heart will need it.

Antoinette said...

God bless you and I hope your physical recovery is quick. Try not to hold it in too much, I find after a nice "breakdown" i feel better...still sad, I think I will never know true happiness again, but I feel better letting it out...you will have some bad days ahead mentally but that is part of this "New Normal" you so ironically named the blog...I hope Josey and Alyssa are playing nicely together...You did everything you could and she knows this and she will protect you now just like you protected her...please email me if you ever need to just vent, we may have not lost the same way, but we both have lost and so i do know your pain...(((hugs)))

Saffy said...

It might sound like a weird thing to say, but I'm glad you've had your first (of oh so many) breakdowns. The reason being it's that whole one day at a time thing - and in this case, emotional healing. And I totally get the bit about waiting the extra week to give Josey a chance - I think that's what every mom who oh so wants her baby would try to do - it was such a generous, loving gesture. Josey knows how much you took on for her.

Hon, it is such early days and you're doing so well. I'm glad your swelling is coming down nicely :) I bet that's making you feel more human. As for recovery, don't be surprised if it takes a wee while. My kidneys took almost 2 years to come right - the important thing being that with time, the body can do amazing things.

I'm so pleased for you that you're home. Thinking of you and yours >:D<

Lisette said...

((HUGSS)), thinking and praying for you all the time. Glad to hear you are home, I know you have a long road ahead of you. Be kind to yourself and your body. You have been through so much this past month. You are are an amazing mommy!

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