Thursday, March 25, 2010

Another Day

I'm embarrassed to say I'm a bit superstitious, so I'm changing up the title today. lol For the moment, we are stable. My blood work came back basically the same this morning. So hopefully no more changes today. My heart stops every time the door opens, especially when I see the doctor. Today is 23/4.

I was hoping to work some while I was here, but I can't focus my attention on anything at the moment, at least not until I get through this weekend. I know every sound the clock makes in my room. It changes tones between the 6 and 9 every time it goes around. The computers in my room make a beeping sound each time a doctor signs on from his office and forgets to log off his account. The wallpaper is starting to peel around the windows. I leave the tv on for noise, but I haven't watched too many shows. It's nice when I can get lost in something for awhile; it's just really hard to do right now.

But, here's to one more day.

**update**
I had another u/s today to check growth. Despite the fact she's physically healthy, she's just too small. More than likely if I even make it to Sunday, well, she's just too small. I feel like we're stuck in a never ending nightmare. If a woman's body isn't meant to carry a child, why in the world would it let you carry it for so long? My head is filled with all those questions everyone asks - how can these women continue to have children that don't even want them? how can drug addicts and alcoholics have perfectly normal kids, but I can't? I know I shouldn't ask these questions. There is no answer. I know I'm not at fault, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's just not fair. It's not fair that I'm not the only one this has happened to in my own family. It's not fair anyone should ever have to feel this way or experience this.

I keep praying for a miracle, but I also keep trying to prepare myself and not throw myself into denial. One way or another, we will get through this.

9 comments:

Maria said...

Hang in there!! {{Big Hug}}
How about a book to read?
James Patterson does pretty short chapters. Which might make it a little easier to follow.
I can always bring you something over to read if you want since I'm here in town working. give me a shout.

Maria said...

There are no words I can give you to comfort you. I know from walking the fimiliar path you are on it is so very hard and heart wrenching. Don't keep it pent up inside. Whatever you need to say or feel let it out.
You're still her Momma.
With the Lord nothing is impossible!
I'm still praying and will continue.

JBK said...

I am thinking of you and your family. ::hugs::

Cassandra said...

I am praying for you and your little girl. Whatever happens, you are a good mom to your daughter.

Lisette said...

I wish I could say something to comfort you at the moment. I am really sorry this is happening to you and it is totally normal to ask why. It's not fair, I don't get it either. Keep thinking positive thoughts, pray and let God guide you through this one step at a time. I am praying so hard for you. GOd bless you!

Saffy said...

It's not fair, you're totally right. I'm just hoping that you keep trucking along *boringly* until at least Sunday. You are carrying a girl, and girls ARE stronger this early, so I'm hoping, and wishing, and praying...It is a bonus that the NICU know that you're in the wings and will be prepped and ready to give it their all when the time comes (but hopefully later rather than sooner).

As for the perfectly normal kids of addicts etc? It'll do your head in if you ask why because there is no rational answer.

Keep cookin mama >:D<

Gail said...

Healing thoughts and well wishes.

Ashley said...

Hello, your cousin (I think?) Leslie gave me your information. My daughter was born early when I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome in August 2005. I actually gained 35 lbs in two days (I'm only 5'1"!). It was crazy, seizure mats, tons of mag sulfate, puffy toes, and face...the whole thing. Even now I'll be at Target and nurses will recognize me....

The pre-term labor room that I was in overlooked into a hallway w/ those odd glass blocks. I didn't see the sun for 8 days and with the mag and headache it really seemed like I was taking some *interesting* drugs. :)

All this to say that I am praying for you continuously and for you, Shannon, and Josie's strength. I'm pretty familiar with the whole pre-clampsia battle so if you want to whine I'm available...it sometimes helps just to vent to someone who actually has been extra-puffy too.

Hang in there...

Ashley
abzurcher@gmail.com

Mattie said...

Kerry and Shannon,
Maria has been good to let me know you need prayers...yes plural.

I have noticed in the Old Testament that those people cried out, shook their fist, yelled at God. You know what? God wants us too. His shoulders are big enough to bear it and his hands to cradle us. I hope that gives you some peace that you aren't "ticking Him off."

Debbie Starr has a blog. debbiestarr.com, that you may want to check out. She lost her husband December 24. But many of the things she writes fit all of us. They are not long pieces and might help pass the time.

I do not have any answers, nor will anyone which is so hard. We want to have answers to help. Wish we could take away your pain and grief...

Mattie

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