Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Video

It seems everything I write is so sad. I'm sure some of you are tired of reading it. One word to describe this blog - depressing. I write for therapy. I write to try to get out some of the frustration, hurt and anger I feel. I can honestly say I'm broken. BUT I will not let this rule my life. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but somehow I will.

My cousin Leslie sent me a video the other day. I've watched it over and over. It's been such an encouragement to me. One of the singers from Hillsong went through a similar situation a couple of years ago. She talked about how not long after losing her baby boy at 23/5, she was scheduled to sing. She said she knew she had to, didn't really want to, but did it anyway. At the time, she said she didn't feel God, but she sang to him anyway. She knew he was there even if she didn't feel Him. She did it again and again, despite her brokenness. Then, at some point, she felt Him again.

I can relate. Right now, I don't feel anything but I know He's there and I know if I keep on walking, keep on going, eventually life will return. Although I'm pretty confident the pain will never go away, I know it will ease.

I'm going to try to be a little more positive. Even though I don't want to and don't feel like it, I'm going to do it...

I'm thankful today for my health, for surviving something so horrible, for being able to bend my legs, walk across the room, and even sit up. I'm thankful for my husband who holds my hand, comforts me when I cry and loves me no matter what. I'm thankful for my family who stood by me during my darkest days even though I know it was hard for them to see me like that and deal with something so emotionally overwhelming. I'm thankful for the beautiful weather we've had that's helped keep my spirits up, to know that spring is always a time of rebirth no matter who we are or what has happened in our lives. I'm thankful for my dog who has snuggled with me and licked my face whenever I've been home alone and needed comforting. I'm thankful that my baby girl is in my grandparents' arms along with many other wonderful family members. She will never know the pain this world can bring. She will only know love and peace. When I think the tears will never go away, I remind myself how blessed we are and it gets me through another day.

6 comments:

belle said...

oh dear friend, i feel very similarly. He is here... always will be... i often feel as if i'm clinging to His coat tails with white knuckles because it is the only way i can get through it....

prayers for you today.

Amanda said...

Amen. God bless you Kerry :)

asherandevan said...

Thanks for this. It was just the encouragement I need right now. I've been feeling a lot of the same things you are, and even wanting to give up trying to move on, be happy, etc. So thanks for reminding me that God is God, no matter what my circumstance.

Sara said...

Kerry -
I'm a mom who lost my son, Carter, just about 8 months ago and although it still hurts, you are right, and this song is right, God is here and always will be.

My counselor helped me to realize that Carter and God want me to feel joy about my sweet baby, not just sadness. After all, one of the "fruits of the spirit" is joy! The interview said it perfectly - the devil lost what he was trying to achieve when we glorify God in the midst of our losses.

I am saying so many prayers for you. Thank you for allowing us to walk beside you in your journey.

Aspen said...

good luck at work tomorrow! you can do it :)

Patty said...

I am just catching up with all that you've been through. IT was hard but I love the way you wanted to be thankful.

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