Coping

I've decided to go back to work on Wednesday. I'm going to try half days for the rest of the week. I need to get my mind on something other than what I've been living the past couple months. I didn't even get out of bed yesterday until dinner time. I just couldn't do it. Yesterday was my hardest day. I thought after the service I could begin to move on a little more, but then it's just not that easy, is it?

I can't sleep and the couple times I've been able to I relive everything that's happened. Saturday night I dreamed she was fine. I had her in my arms rocking her, kissing her. I woke up a mess. I just couldn't stop crying. I can't get the image out of my head. Not even Xanax can stop those tears. Then, there are other times I feel like I can get through this, move on, but I start to feel guilty for feeling that. I honestly don't know what to do with myself and I hate it. Shannon has very specific and focused hobbies that keep him going. I don't, at least none that allow me to keep my mind focused long enough to keep it from wandering.

I found an article last night that was published in the Daily Mail, a newspaper in England. It was written by a father who almost lost his wife to preeclampsia, among other things. He is a mathematician and he wrote it from the perspective of how sometimes logic can't be found and how hard it was for him to accept that. They too lost their baby. Although her situation was quite a bit worse than mine, their story reminded me so much of us. The need for logic behind something that has none and how they each dealt with and coped with the situation differently, and that eventually they were able to find real happiness again. It gave me some peace at the end of the day. I'll take what I can get right now.

I will say Josey's service was perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. We have so many beautiful flowers to plant in her memory. I don't have much of a green thumb, but we're going to give it a go anyway. Today I'm going to figure out where I want everything to go. Once it warms up a bit tomorrow I think we're going to head to Lowe's to get what we need to plant them. We have a beautiful hydrangea bush, several gorgeous pink and yellow rose bushes, and even a couple of others that I don't know what they are. LOL But we'll find a place for them.