Test Results

I got a message last night from my doctor that my test results were in and I needed to call him in the morning. Bottom line - most everything came back normal with exception to one test, a gene mutation called MTHFR.

Basically, in very simple terms, this gene tells the body to process amino acids, specifically folic acid. If there is a mutation, then either the gene isn't doing its job or it's not doing it very well, which leads to high levels of a certain type of amino acid. When this occurs, it could lead to a blood clotting disorder and give you a higher risk for cardiovascular disease, heart disease, stroke, etc.

This gene has two parts. We'll call them A & B. Both A and B also have two parts.

A - one and two
B - one and two

For me, A1 is normal and A2 is abnormal. B1 is normal and B2 is abnormal. This could mean my levels may be normal or they may be high, depending on how well the normal ones are working. If they are high (which isn't good), then there may or may not be things I can do in another pregnancy.

This mutation was only recently discovered and there is not enough research out there yet for a consensus on what to do. After reading about it in terms of pregnancy, there really is no good news in my opinion. There are things some doctors would have me do, but other doctors may not see fit in doing anything. Dr. Y even said the same thing. He said perinatologists are split on the issue.

I go back in three weeks for blood work. We'll see how everything looks overall. There will definitely be another appointment at some point with the perinatologists for their take on my results and the current research.

I'm pretty sure I'm more confused now than ever. There's so much to take in and digest. Either way, I probably should start taking vitamins again, don't you think?

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

What a day. I had a doctor's appointment this morning and then Mom, my aunt and I were going out to lunch and shopping. I walked into the office only to be surrounded by a room full of pregnant women holding their ultrasound pictures and kids everywhere. I was ok for about ten minutes, but after 45 I was in mini-breakdown mode. Then a new nurse took me back and started asking me all these questions as if this was a prenatal appointment. I had to tell her it wasn't. By the time the doctor saw me, I was a mess.

Then, I found out they couldn't get any kind of results from the chromosome tests. The cells wouldn't grow. My tests for something to do with my phospholipids came back normal, which is both good and bad. I have no idea what that is, but apparently if you have it or markers for it, then it is thought to possibly be a factor in the preeclampsia. So, now we know that isn't a factor. He also took me off one of my bp meds, but I have to check it the next few days and then call him with the numbers. It was a little high today, but considering my wait in their waiting room, it was almost expected. He hopes to have a few more results by the time I call on Friday. So, we'll see.

Then, we go to the Olive Garden and a lovely pregnant woman sits down right beside us. The mall is next and again the same. The worst happened while I was standing in line to check out at JC Penney. A girl was standing there checking out, buying all kinds of cute little girl baby clothes, talking about all those happy things I should be talking about and to beat it all, she is due the same time I was supposed to be due. I had to turn around and just breathe. It took everything in me to stay strong. Once I got in the car, I ate three no bake cookies and cried all the way home.

The good news, however, is he did release me, at least for the next 3 weeks. Then, I'll have more blood work. Geesh. Just when I think I'm doing fairly good, I fall right through the ice. But, I guess that's to be expected.

Lost Song

I have lost my voice. It's gone. One of my biggest stress relievers has always been sitting down with my guitar or at the piano and singing. I picked up my guitar for the first time in awhile a couple days ago and could barely get words out of my mouth. Shannon said, "Oh it's just allergies." It's not allergies. My voice hasn't been the same since I was in the hospital. I mentioned it to Mom a week or so ago. It's all raspy, but not in a good way. Mom said she noticed it too, but didn't really think too much about it. Shannon said he didn't really notice it, but then he hears me every day. It's frustrating. I was by no means a grammy award winner, but when you can't even carry a tune anymore...geesh. What else? Guess it's time for a new stress reliever, but I have no idea what that might be. Music has always been my thing. So, now what? **Big Sigh**

I've been sitting here watching American Idol tonight. It's Shania Twain week. Her music has always been one of my favorites to sing, and in fact I tried to sing one of her songs a few days ago. I guess that's what has me even thinking about it tonight. Oh well. Maybe I'll trade my voice for the piano. It's been a long time since I've played for any significant amount of time and Lord knows I could use the practice.

This and That

I managed to make it through three days of working half days and another weekend. I still don't like weekends. The reason being I've decided, is there is no routine. It's wide open, which leaves my mind free to wander. Overall though, the weekend wasn't too bad.

I look forward to actually having something to look forward to - summer, boats, campfires, smores. Oh and maybe a tan. I went to get a pedicure the other day and the guy that was doing it said, "Why you so white? I've never seen you so white." Gee, thanks. He's right, though. I'm so white I glimmer in the sun like the vampires in the Twilight movies. Which reminds me, I do have something to look forward to - May 2nd. The new Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) book comes out and mine is already pre-ordered. I actually bought the audio cd. Don't hate. I can devour a good book in two hours. I wanted to enjoy this one a little longer. Plus, since I'll be doing a lot of walking this summer to try to get my energy and some muscle tone back, what better way to exercise then to listen to my second favorite book series? My first being Harry Potter, of course.

Today is my first full day back to work. I have plenty to do and that makes me happy. Keep me busy. That's a must. We also have interviews this week and next for our new supervisor, not to mention commencement. This is a very busy time for the office. Thank goodness. I also have another doctor's appointment on Wednesday. We're keeping our fingers and toes crossed for more good news and maybe even a little less blood pressure medicine.

Bouncing Back

I've been reading a book called The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks, and Losses. It's sat in my spare bedroom since I got home from the hospital. I wasn't really up to any kind of reading, let alone a Debby Downer on how to cope with loss. But last night I was going through my things from the hospital (finally) and ran across the book. I picked it up, sat down on the edge of the bed, and turned to the first page. Before I knew it, my feet were propped up and I had already read half of it.

It's not preachy. It's not a just get over it. It really is a how to heal and recover and deal with whatever bad thing(s) has(have) happened. It's funny. It's enlightening. It's truthful. And it gives me exercises based on what actual counselors or psychologists would have you do to help move forward. It's already helped me put some things in perspective. The most important being we can't change the past, only the future. That means it's up to us to determine how this will define our lives...for the better or for the worse. Are we weak or are we strong? We have to choose and getting to that point is a process that's not easy.

I told my husband he has to read it as well and when he's finished I wanted to sit down and talk through it. Shannon's so picky about what he reads, but I think this is just the ticket for him too. So, today, although I'm sure there will still be a few tears at some point, I'm feeling a little better. I'm feeling a little more in control. Tomorrow I may not be able to get out of bed, but for today I'll take it.

Thanks to my Indy girls and Rebekah in NashVegas for sending me this book. At least for now, it's just what I need.

Officially our 'new normal'

It feels good to be back to work. It takes my mind away from the past several weeks for a few hours. It has also worn me out, so I was actually able to sleep last night. I've been getting a taste of this new normal we have now. I might have mentioned this in another entry, but a few days ago I knocked a baby angel someone sent us off the table and it broke. I had to catch myself on the table to keep from going to my knees. I was devastated. Yesterday, I glued her back together. I couldn't help but feel that was how I feel - the pieces may fit together again, but I'll always be broken, cracked. I don't quite "fit together" the way I used to even though I may appear the same on the outside. This was very evident in both of us last night.

Bad days, good days, just getting through days and then trying to sync up with each other and have a normal existence right now is really hard. It's hard on each of us as individuals and hard on us as a couple. The stress drives me crazy. We pushed ourselves last night for some normalcy. It wasn't easy, but we managed to get out and go to dinner and have a somewhat mundane, but enjoyable conversation. It took a few tears and some frustration, but we did get out of the house.

We both dread the inevitable onslaught of "how are you doing?" and "I'm so sorry" or "just try again." There are a few places we know we have to avoid at the moment, but then there are places I think we can go to ease our way back into small town living. Right now, living in a big city seems quite desirable. We could just fade into the crowd and not worry about it, but not here. It's like Cheers, everybody knows your name. Of course, this blog doesn't help. Now everyone knows our business. LOL I can't help it though; it helps me say what I need to say without actually saying it out loud.

Anyway, here's to our new normal and the hope there's still some good to come.

Video

It seems everything I write is so sad. I'm sure some of you are tired of reading it. One word to describe this blog - depressing. I write for therapy. I write to try to get out some of the frustration, hurt and anger I feel. I can honestly say I'm broken. BUT I will not let this rule my life. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but somehow I will.

My cousin Leslie sent me a video the other day. I've watched it over and over. It's been such an encouragement to me. One of the singers from Hillsong went through a similar situation a couple of years ago. She talked about how not long after losing her baby boy at 23/5, she was scheduled to sing. She said she knew she had to, didn't really want to, but did it anyway. At the time, she said she didn't feel God, but she sang to him anyway. She knew he was there even if she didn't feel Him. She did it again and again, despite her brokenness. Then, at some point, she felt Him again.

I can relate. Right now, I don't feel anything but I know He's there and I know if I keep on walking, keep on going, eventually life will return. Although I'm pretty confident the pain will never go away, I know it will ease.

I'm going to try to be a little more positive. Even though I don't want to and don't feel like it, I'm going to do it...

I'm thankful today for my health, for surviving something so horrible, for being able to bend my legs, walk across the room, and even sit up. I'm thankful for my husband who holds my hand, comforts me when I cry and loves me no matter what. I'm thankful for my family who stood by me during my darkest days even though I know it was hard for them to see me like that and deal with something so emotionally overwhelming. I'm thankful for the beautiful weather we've had that's helped keep my spirits up, to know that spring is always a time of rebirth no matter who we are or what has happened in our lives. I'm thankful for my dog who has snuggled with me and licked my face whenever I've been home alone and needed comforting. I'm thankful that my baby girl is in my grandparents' arms along with many other wonderful family members. She will never know the pain this world can bring. She will only know love and peace. When I think the tears will never go away, I remind myself how blessed we are and it gets me through another day.

Hillsong - Desert Song Interview